


Instead Of Here With Me

by FiremanSam



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Eddie is only talked about, Fuckbuddies, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:40:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23723224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FiremanSam/pseuds/FiremanSam
Summary: Josh and Buck are helping each other out. It can't go anywhere, and Josh is cool with that, honestly.He just can't figure out what it is that's holding Buck back, until suddenly he can.Eddie.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Josh Russo
Comments: 12
Kudos: 101





	Instead Of Here With Me

So, Josh thought, if he had to be awake in the middle of the night ranking his recent, hmm, mistakes? Or missteps, he reasoned, at least this most one had been fun.

He still wasn't quite sure how it had gone from -

_Hey you look like you could use a drink or two or three or four - But hey, no bars are open so do you want to come to my place for a beer - and then when they're three beers in, is it that_ _a_ _vibe you're feeling? - No,_ _Josh_ _why are you doing this to yourself? - Oh, but then he's suddenly closer and now he's kissing you and before you know it you've just come your brains out and with it has gone all rational thought - So you're leaving and he says we should do this again sometime and you just say 'Sounds great' thinking it will never happen - But then three days later he's texting and he wants you and it's intoxicating._

So from acquaintances to friends, to yeah, call it what it is, fuckbuddies, Josh now only need text and say 'Hey, you up?' and an hour later have a warm, solid, beautiful, 6'2 body laying next to him and drooling on his pillows.

So. Not necessarily a mistake, or misstep, whatever you wanted to call it. If, however, the aforementioned warm body didn't come with the following caveats.

  * He was way out of his league ( _Now, now, Josh_ , he could hear his therapist telling him. But, he wasn't stupid, he was cute, sure, but this guy is gorgeous.)



  * He was a shameless blanket hog who took up too much of the bed.



  * He was truly exhausting in bed. It was glorious.



  * He just so happened to be of his closest friend's siblings.



  * He was so obviously in love with his seemingly very straight best friend.



And of course, that he was Buck. As in Maddie's Buck. As in Evan, which it felt weird to call him but he did in the hope that he would suddenly not be Maddie's little brother. Maybe if used a different name he would forget all of the reasons it couldn't go anywhere then he might get out of his own damn way for once.

So, here they were. In bed. Again. Buck, or _Evan_ , snuffling and sleeping fitfully after their exertions, occasionally reaching out to stroke Josh's chest and steal more covers from him before Josh wriggled away (he must be crazy, he tells himself) and sat up against the headboard to think about how he needed to bring this little arrangement to a close.

It had hung ominously in the air between them, the first time, the secrecy of it all. Josh raised it first, babbling away about Maddie and Buck looked so relieved that he didn't push it. He was just happy that the vibe he'd thought he'd got hadn't been wrong for once. Well, that and the sex. Sex was pretty good at making him stupid.

So, scratching an itch. Everybody does that. But, _oh_ , what an itch.

He never stayed over at Buck's, and he now had his suspicions as to why. And he had never honestly expected Buck to stay with him, but he largely did, depending on their respective shift patterns. All of the misgivings Josh had had about awkward silences while Buck did his pants up and left flew out of the window the first time he politely asked if there was a spare toothbrush he could use, and had then snuggled up in bed with a kiss in his hair and a request to set an alarm for some stupid time in the morning so he could go home and get dressed before work.

Josh couldn't, and wouldn't pretend that he'd lost count of the amount of times they'd done this. 14. And, he thought to himself as he resisted the urge to stroke Buck's soft hair off his forehead, maybe a fifteenth would be a nice number to end on.

He would miss the sex, he couldn't lie. It was downright incredible. Historically really built guys had never really pushed his buttons, but there was a bizarre paradox with Buck. Yes, he was strong, and nice to look at, no doubt, but he was oddly soft, too. Cuddly.

Cuddly, jesus. Josh was clearly insane.

But, he had to be honest with himself. Even taking away all of the issues that came from Buck's side, it was too soon for him to put himself out there to potentially get hurt, however innocently it would be done. By both parties.

So, he had already known all of the reasons why it shouldn't work for _him_ , but he hadn't been able to put his finger on why it didn't quite gel from Buck's side either. Luckily he was usually subsequently distracted by fingers elsewhere and then forgot his own name among any coherent thoughts.

With the inherent secrecy and distinct lack of dates or anything but sex, it may be obvious to him it wasn't going anywhere, but was it to Buck? He didn't want to offend him somehow, stupid as that sounded, when Buck looked the way he did, and was a fucking dream in pretty much all respects. It still made Josh smile to himself when he had to internally roll his eyes when he'd heard Buck bemoan being single.

He knew why now, though.

A few mornings ago when Buck had stayed over they had both forgotten alarms. Josh was off that day so he was fine, and he'd waved Buck off from the doorway not expecting to see him for a few days, or weeks, or however long it was before that itch started up again.

When the knock on the door had come a few minutes later and he'd been confronted with a stressed out Buck who needed a ride due to a dead battery, he had been happy to give him one. Again, it had gone without saying that he park a little ways away from the station lest anyone see him, and he was happy to, honestly.

The goodbye had been awkward for the first time, and as Josh watched Buck cross the street he mused on why. As he was thinking he saw that ridiculous truck that Buck's friend Eddie had pass him on the street. He watched as Buck saw him too and then, _oh_ , he got it.

Buck's whole body language changed, he stood up straighter, he practically _blossomed_ , bouncing on his toes as he played with the strap of his bag while Eddie parked and got out. Josh could vaguely see from his position that Eddie's hair was shorter than he'd seen it last, and he watched with a dawning, nauseous feeling as he watched Buck reach up and rub his scalp, grinning and leaning right into an oblivious Eddie's space.

He watched them until they were out of sight, wondering if he was seeing things or was Buck actually radiating happiness even from 40ft away. After a few minutes he pulled himself together and drove home, changed the sheets, took a nap and forgot the whole exchange.

It was only an hour earlier, this very night, when he'd remembered. He had Buck's dick in his mouth, a very pleasant situation indeed, when Buck had scratched his fingers along his scalp. It triggered the memory of what he'd seen, and he'd actually pulled back a little and said _'Oh!'_ as much as he could, with, you know, a dick in the way.

That, coupled with what he'd been doing seconds previously, made Buck grip his shoulder tightly before he came. When he was done Josh wiped his mouth and stood up on shaky legs to sit down on the edge of the bed next to a blissed out Buck. They made eye contact and Josh had a horrible premonition of what was about to happen and he reached over and put his hand over Buck's mouth before he could call him Eddie and ruin the whole thing.

Buck just looked confused and flopped back on to the bed, breaking free of Josh's hand and pulling him down next to him. After a few minutes he came back to himself and kissed Josh sweetly on the lips, actually seeing him, Josh could tell, and then went to town on him, returning the favor like he always did. He was very, _very_ , good at it. Josh would miss it.

He didn't mind. Really. Who hadn't pretended they were with somebody else, even for a second? An ex, a crush, even a celebrity. Plus he wasn't stupid enough to think that there were maybe some not so confused feelings that he was working out too, superimposing them onto Buck.

So, it had been fun. But best to stop while it was still fun and before people got hurt or found out. He still wasn't quite sure if Maddie even knew Buck was bi, he _thought_ she did, but all of his fishing expeditions had come up empty. The Buckley siblings could both be closed books when they wanted to be, and he respected it, he really did.

When it became clear that sweaty, affectionate Buck had moved into deep sleep and would stop his infernal snuggling and let him obsess and hopefully sleep in peace, he settled back down next to him, turning his back to his stupid, cute face.

***

Josh managed a few fitful hours of sleep, and was woken by warm rays of dawn light falling on his face through the blinds, and the roaming hands of one very aroused firefighter. What a way to end it, he thought to himself as he melted under his touch, letting his legs fall open for Buck to cover him with his warmth.

When they were done, and Buck was laying on his back with his hands folded neatly on his ridiculous chest, Josh rolled over from his front to his side and stroked the side of Buck's face to get his attention. Once those lovely eyes were on him he only wavered for a second before he put on his most neutral, placating face.

"So, this has been, um, great!" Wonderful start, moron, he thought to himself as he leaned back to watch Buck remove the condom, tying it off and dropping it into the wastebasket, blushing the whole time like an adorable Sean Cody model. He cleared his throat again. "Evan, uh, Buck."

Buck met his eyes and scooted back up the bed, bringing the blanket up with him to cover them before he propped himself up on his elbow and studied Josh. He looked sleepy.

"Mmm?"

Ok, Josh would have to do the hard work. Buck put his elbow down and lay on his back again, his eyes closing ominously.

"But I think we should probably stop doing this. For a few reasons."

"Why?" Buck's eyes opened but he didn't move or look at Josh, just stared at the window, squinting slightly at the sun before he closed his eyes again and yawned. "What reasons?"

Because you're fucking adorable, for one, Josh thought. He settled for resting his hand on Buck's forearm and squeezing gently.

"Well, Maddie, for starters."

Buck grimaced and sighed, and Josh refused to find it cute. He squeezed his arm again, going for a friendly reassurance. Ridiculous, while his stupid ass was still aching.

"Listen, I think we both know it's not going anywhere, and that's ok! You know, we can still be friends. It's been nice to have a friend. We _are_ friends, aren't we?"

Buck opened his eyes and leaned up to rest on his elbows. He looked wide awake now, and he met Josh's eyes, looking earnestly at him before he leaned over and enveloped him in a hug.

"Of course we are."

His breath was tickling Josh's neck, and his still clammy body was turning him on again despite the conversation, so he returned the hug with a brief squeeze and released him. When Buck lay there looking at him, his eyes narrowed and looking confused, Josh knew it was time to rip the band aid off.

"Plus, you know, _Eddie_."

Buck went white, and Josh felt bad. It banished any doubts he had that Buck wasn't aware of his feelings though, so he at least felt a little vindicated at the same time.

"It's ok, I get it. He's hot, and great, from what i've heard. But, Evan, unless you know something I don't, it's not gonna happen."

Josh held his breath as he watched emotions flick over Buck's face. Finally he sighed, nodded to himself and looked Josh square in the eye, sadly.

"I know."

Josh smiled at him in commiseration and reached out to stroke his face gently before he impulsively kissed him on the top of his head and leaned back.

"Life sucks sometimes."

"It does," Buck huffed out a little laugh and looked away towards the window, the early morning light making his eyes look even more blue. "I know it's not going to happen, Josh, I'm not stupid."

"I know. I don't think you are. You deserve better," At that, Buck looked like he was going to say something in defence of Eddie, and Josh put a hand up in surrender. "Not better than Eddie, that's not what I mean. You deserve someone who can see you."

Buck sighed and closed his eyes again, and Josh felt so bad for upsetting him that he instinctively nestled down next to him and when Buck raised his arm for him to snuggle up against his chest he did it gladly. They laid there in silence for a few minutes before Buck seemed to tense up, and Josh looked up at him, showing him he would listen to him if he wanted to talk.

"I don't want anyone else."

He stiffened, and Josh moved away and rested his hand on Buck's chest to relieve his panic. Buck sat up straight and seized his hand, staring at him intently.

"I haven't been using you, I swear, honestly, Josh, I-"

Josh shook his head and smiled again, keeping hold of his hand and squeezing it.

"I know, it's ok. It really is. We've been, uh, helping each other?"

Buck sighed and looked doubtful still, but he nodded and relaxed slightly at least. Josh let go of his hand and pushed his chest gently to lay him down again, before moving subtly on to his side of the bed. It was still a few hours before either of them had to wake up, and there was no reason that they couldn't sleep this conversation off and have a bagel and a cup of coffee in the morning to end this nicely.

Josh was sleepy and emotionally and physically spent, and he could feel himself drifting off when the bed shifted. He opened one eye and saw Buck sitting up again, and he stroked his back gently to get his attention. Buck tensed but didn't turn around.

"I should probably go home?"

"There's no rush, Evan, go back to sleep."

Buck looked at him over his shoulder and Josh's heart honestly ached for how lost he looked. Poor guy. Unrequited crushes were the absolute worst. Worse still when they were on straight guys. Straight friends, no less. Poor Buck.

With a sigh Buck relented and lay back down, turning onto his side to face Josh.

"So, we're, uh, we're ok?"

Josh nodded, unable to hold in a yawn. It made Buck smile, a real one, and Josh slapped him lightly on the arm and closed his eyes. He listened to Buck settle and tried to reassure himself that he was doing the right thing.

He was, he knew he was, and yes, he felt bad for Buck. And himself. But he was resolved. He deserved, and he would have, somebody who wanted _him_ and loved _him_.

He could wait.

**Author's Note:**

> Couldn't get this out of my head. I love Josh, he's great. 
> 
> Anyhow, please no criticism, I am a big baby.
> 
> What are tenses? I don't know them. 
> 
> Mistakes are mine alone, and plentiful, i'm sure.
> 
> Have a great day. Stay safe. :-)


End file.
